Morphosis/My Life is changing

=It has been 1.5 years now=

In Malaysia: big influence (mindset) from Mom. Restless too because of the redundant political pressure. Had 'multipurpose' good friends around to comfort me and fool around and had great time with my girlfriend (ex now). Not enough exercise due to lack of facilities, air pollution and insane traffics in KL. Commercialized Hongky, Taiwanese and english music.

In Australia: Judging the world independently and no arms to reach when problem strikes. Living in an Australian easy culture... beers, nachos, excessive holidays etc. Good friends are Australians, having communication jerks all the time. Making cool and smarter friends at uni. Karate and swimming - love it! Both good and commercialize music accessible.

=I become myself again=

I was raised in a business family. Striving and success has been closely defined according to wealth. I can still remember my teacher's and family's comments about my personality when I was in kindergarten & primary school. An honest, real, compassionate, talkative, questioning and gave a lot of trouble during my primary school 'legacy'. I presume these properties was originally me (partly inherited from my parents and smaller proportion of environmental up bringing), as I, like most kids, have not developed convoluted thoughts, no sexual bias due to hormone spike ... yes they do play a role... and importantly feeling content just from being original.

I cannot blame them for manipulating my thoughts because those were just immense caring overwhelming the rationalization that was suppose to be imbued into my mind. By the way, I did have a satisfactory life even under their influence, just it's even better now that I think independently, and I feel more 'alive' - if you know what I mean. The feeling of having no back ups is dodgy, comprise of uncertainties and confident decisions with uncertainties again - derived from insufficient understanding of the source of decision.

I have my short term path laid nicely. I'm going to have a relatively nicer CV for a better chance of getting a job. Those were thought by my mom: "look ahead of you, prioritize your task", etc. Thanks mom, you're a Champ. Needless to say you literally are a champ with your collection of awards gathering dust in your store room. Even with the hardest and complex decision on future careers' paths, I can still remember a systematic way of decision making - plotting a powerful decision table told by my elder bro who's now a multinational company's important person with two smarty sons. Great news is, he's finally returning to home after 13 years of career battle and decided to stay near us. I'm thinking right now of reuniting with them, won't that be great, just as a family?

BUT wait... With so much gratitude and proper planning. I still feel that there is so much more that I can do. This was the feeling that lead me to write this blog. And open end. I'm looking for the one, who will pull two ends of a line together and make a complete, self sufficient, forever running circle - a nicely said metaphor which means to me that love is like batteries, giving the calculator extra power when there's not enough light source. I know, I make funny metaphors. That's the drawback of being blunt and inefficient knowledge of vocabulary use. Nevertheless, thinking back, my formal relationship did played the "battery" role. When I work, late night or sick, I still had the energy to kept going. I could memorize the most boring lecture ever just because I know the purpose of doing so - that is to make her proud. Even after I remotely settled in Australia, distant from her, I feel even 'stronger' to strive hard, until last two semester, I manage to do only what I like and neglecting the things which are still important but unfortunately not my favorite. Oh well, results are coming out, I shall face the collateral damage very soon (although I should pass all of them).

I guess most people will have to overcome the similar problem I'm facing now. If somebody manages to live through means that there should be an answer. I just need to learn how to deal with it which is still a puzzle. I'm not complaining, instead I am happy that I have met a problem in which I will solve in a future time. I will be good.

"Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars."

- Les Brown